11 years counting

11 years.

For 11 years, I hadn’t been in a serious relationship.

Sure, I've dated here and there, but nothing ever stuck. People ask me all the time, "How did you do it?"

The truth?

Those were some of the darkest years of my life.

I was depressed. Angry. Cynical. I hated myself. I hated my life. I drank too much. I smoked the devil's lettuce. I became the most unhealthy version of myself—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I wasn't fun to be around. I walked away from my relationship with God.

I also dated men for all the wrong reasons. I knew they weren't men I could build a life with, so I settled for what I now call shituationships. They filled a temporary void, but they never healed the deeper wounds.

Then one day, something changed.

I woke up.

I realized no one was coming to save me—not because I wasn't worthy, but because I didn't need saving. I needed to wake the fuck up.

I had to stop living in self-pity. Stop blaming my past. Stop waiting for someone else to fix my life.

So I stopped dating altogether.

Instead, I focused on myself.

At first, I asked myself questions like, "What do I need in a partner?" and "What kind of partner do I want to be?" But eventually I realized I was asking the wrong questions.

The better question was, Who am I?

What kind of woman did I want to become?

My own happiness became my priority—not finding someone else to create it for me.

I spent those years healing. I learned to forgive. I accepted my past and the relationships I'd been through. I let go of the resentment I was carrying because I finally understood that holding onto yesterday wasn't making today any better.

My past happened, but it didn't have to define my future.

During those 11 years, I also experienced an incredible amount of loss—some of it deeply traumatic.

I had two choices.

I could let it consume me, or I could let it shape me.

I chose to let it strengthen me.

I let it make me wiser. More compassionate. More resilient.

Looking back now, I don't regret those 11 years.

They were lonely. They were painful. They were messy.

But they forced me to become someone I genuinely love and respect.

I'm still single, and honestly, that's okay. My life isn't on hold while I wait for someone to come along. I've built a life I'm proud of, and I know who I am with or without a relationship.

If there's one piece of advice I can give anyone who's trying to move on, it's this:

Focus on yourself.

Step away from the dating scene for a while.

Step away from the distractions.

Step away from anything—or anyone—that constantly changes your mental state or keeps you from finding peace.

Learn to enjoy your own company.

Figure out who you are when no one else is influencing your decisions, your emotions, or your happiness.

Because when you truly know yourself, you stop chasing people who were never meant for you.

You stop settling.

And you realize that being alone and being lonely are two very different things.