You always hear people say, “God never gives you more than you can handle.” I’m not sure I’ve always believed that—but today, I chose to believe something else: that even in the weight of it all, I am still standing.
Today, I gave myself the closure I was never going to receive. I returned the last of what tied me to my most recent relationship. I said my final words.
I closed the book. And a new story is ready to be written.
When I look back at my relationships—the ones that made it past the honeymoon phase—I see a pattern. I was younger then, under 30, hopeful in a different way. Since then, I haven’t met someone who truly sees me and says, “Despite it all—her past, her scars, her strength—she is worth it.”
The people who love me—my friends, my family—tell me I’m amazing. They say I just haven’t met the right person yet. But it’s hard not to ask God, why does it keep happening this way? Why do I keep loving men who aren’t ready? Why does it feel like I help them grow, only for them to give their forever to someone else?
Nine times. That’s how many times it has happened. And yes, it sounds wild—but it’s my reality.
I gave them my time, my energy, my heart. I gave pieces of myself that I will never fully get back. And in return, I kept hearing the same words:
“I couldn’t love you the way you deserve.”
But what does that even mean? Who are they to decide what I deserve?
For a long time, I thought maybe they were right. Maybe if I changed—if I got skinnier, worked harder, became more successful, proved how strong and resilient I am—then maybe I would finally be enough. Maybe then someone would choose me.
But that never happened.
Instead, I found my way back to God.
Not that I had completely lost my faith—but I had stopped leaning on it. I had stopped talking to Him, stopped seeking Him in the quiet moments. And in returning, I began to understand something differently.
Maybe these broken hearts weren’t meant to diminish me—but to teach me.
To teach others that they are capable of being loved.
And to teach me that I am not meant to lose myself in the process.
I am not here to sacrifice my worth so someone else can discover theirs.
I am here to love myself, to protect my heart, and to recognize that I am already worthy—exactly as I am. God would not have chosen me, shaped me, and carried me this far if I wasn’t.
And that phrase “I couldn’t love you the way you deserve” I see it more clearly now. It doesn’t mean I was too much or not enough. It means they didn’t have the capacity, the depth, or the readiness to meet me where I stand.
That’s not a reflection of my worth.
Still, I won’t pretend it doesn’t hurt. It does. It always has.
But I’m beginning to shift the question.
Instead of asking, “Why am I not enough?”
I’m asking, “Why did I keep giving myself to people who couldn’t hold me?”
And that shift—that realization—is where my growth begins.
Because I am not waiting to be chosen anymore.
I am learning to choose better.
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